No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
