the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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