she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
