so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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