i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
