I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
