I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize