Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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