dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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