i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
