You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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