You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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