I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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