No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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