toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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