Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
