So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
