You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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