Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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