the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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