Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
