apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
