If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I want a musical about memes.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize