I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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