Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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