i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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