I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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