honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
