you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
