Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
