just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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