Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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