Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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