I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize