I hate your face
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
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