You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
