ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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