Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
