I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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