her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
