Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
