I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
