By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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