i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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