On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
