the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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