I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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