I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
