I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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