his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize