if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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