I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
