someone owes me an orgasm
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
