some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
