He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
