I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
