Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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